There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
