my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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