How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How does one acquire holy water?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
