The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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