Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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