im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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