Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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