I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
