I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
