Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
