Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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