oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
