There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
