I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
