I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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