Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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