They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
