can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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