I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
