I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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