I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
