I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
