I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
