mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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