just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
