This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
