I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
