i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
