Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
