I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
