you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
