I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
