wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize