The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
