There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
