Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
