I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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