You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
