Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
