Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize