I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize