If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
