So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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