i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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