I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
