We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
