I didn't shave. On purpose
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
