some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
