I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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