Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
