like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
