Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
