I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
