my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
