see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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