Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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